I FUCKING HATE THIS TIME OF YEAR!!!

nuff said...

personal circle of me...

i recall watching shows on PBS on how to live a long and healthy life, one thing that was talked about was to be sure that one surrounded one's self with friends and family and fun activities... studies have shown that senior citizens who have active friendships live a longer life than those that don't... the other day i went to a function with a someone i have come to respect and admire and i watched her interact with her teammates, it was like watching a group of grown adult women become juvenile girls... it was amazing to watch... some of them were mothers, others execs of some sort and still others were probably just out of college, all the same they were playing, joking and joshing each other like it was some sort of pajama party... i couldn't help but to think of what that sort of camaraderie does for their health and longevity... despite the rough sport that they all play, they probably have less levels of stress on their lives simply because of the bonds that they've formed on AND OFF THE FIELD!!!

it hit me kind of hard especially because this is the holiday time of the year, the birthday of my daughter and my own birthday... sadly my nature is one of an introverted extrovert and i've grown up without having friends..sure i've had PLENTY of people i've been cool with, but no real friendships, i've gotten used to being more of a friend than folks would ever be friends to me... i ran with street scum as well as good natured folks but it all ended up like a shirt that had been washed one too many times...faded... it never really bothered me at first because i was probably used to my mother keeping me at an emotional distance on a see-saw relationship in which i was never quite sure what to expect, warmth or a "guilt-trip"... i learned to hold my feelings in, she never seemed to believe my words and i learned not to give them... my own brother became a legend in my mind only for me to realize that he was/is simply who he is... and that's someone that i don't know... my relationship with my daughter has been hindered by her mother's disdain for me... i've NEVER had my daughter come up and tell me that "she loves me" unprovoked, i've been reduced to second, no make that third fiddle to her step-dad and god knows who else, but i'll NEVER down talk her mother to her despite what happens on the other end in regards to what she's told about me... i'll never let her know how much i've set aside for her and the illusion that we would have some sort of sit-com loving father/daughter relationship... as an adult i've formed some close bonds with folks but never quite made it past... well made it past whatever... one cat that i know is a decent dude, but he always seems to be looking for an angle on what i tell him, projecting some values that aren't mine onto me... another cat i know seems to be more interested at times in what pretty chick i happen to hanging out and pressing me to "fess up about sexing them all" with instead of being my friend and allowing me the space to be nothing more than who i am... another cat seems to be a one way street, there at your back having your back, but try to pry the door the other way and it's a no-go... family is a joke, the little bit that i've known of them has left me feeling bland... my one sister that i met as a juvenile just isn't a connection, there seems to be a bridge or gap that i can't cross... my other sister fucked me over for my monetary savings never saying, "sorry"... cousins seemed to be full of that "kiss-kiss" air shit... never knew them coming up and now that i'm an adult they've given me promises of making up for lost time and then never call... my father, well he's the ass that he is and was and will be... i look back and realize that i've never learned to form true bonds and now here i am, i can walk the city and shake a dozen hands on any given day but i always come home and sit alone... funny to the outside looking in most folks think that i've got shit going on but the reality is that i'm always lonely and empty... i can't seem to form meaningful bonds with girlfriends, though i'll go all out for them i always seem to either run them off or shut down, making me even more "down"...fuck... though i always seem to be a fun "plaything" and chase after those who have no intention of anything... self destructing? sabotage?

i used to be a person who struggled with rage and depression, i was always self destructive and it was easy because i felt that i had NOTHING to lose, ignorance was bliss and i embraced it...i enjoyed calling my own shots and shooting at those that called shots...then one day i looked up and realized that life won't end at 17-18 yrs old... now what? nothing but emotional rejection hit a soft spot in the wall that i built, it crumbled ever so slightly over the years and the humanity shone through leaving me exposed and vulnerable... but nurture had affected my nature and it seems that i still self destruct... constantly going from 0-60 without learning cruise control jams you... i look and long for meaning...

thinking about the studies of seniors that live longer, i think i may have a shorter life than anyone may have expected...

sex makes me sad...

i was in the shower and i had a really disturbing thought, well actually it's been a recurring thought as of late... i've slept with a LOT of females in my life... too many for me to count, some i can't even remember when i sit with pen and pad and try to figure out the number, but that's NOT what really bothers me... what bothers me is that the ones that i have slept with i can't recall too much about them... and that's sad... i'm ok these days with being a sympathetic fool, or prone to emotion and sentiment... most of these females came at times when i was going through a phase, and sadly they served as a distraction to whatever it was that i was going through...but there was a genuine connection on some level other than sexual and i can't recall the intimate moments that it led to...

given the moments in my life i realize that i was a WHORE was a relatively short period of time! like during my undergrad experience i had a girlfriend who went to college a few states away and i didn't fuck around on her... but when we broke up i ran through chicks like a hot knife through butter :-( for me it was easy, i didn't go LOOKING for ass or sex it just kind of landed in my lap (no pun intended)... i would sometimes sleep with two-three different random females a night, i think it had to do with my attitude... i was never always in the "in" crowd but i was never in the "out" crowd either, i was just me...i'd walk into the lunch room and high five everyone from the white kids i had class with, to the football jocks, to the b-ball team (those cats i hung with a good bit, everyone just KNEW i was on the hoop squad until b-ball season and they saw me sitting in the bleachers cheering!!! HAHAHAHA), to the fellow philly cats, to the guys from the "sticks"... i didn't run around running my mouth, dressing fly, or acting like i was "too cool for school"... i was just a nice genuine guy who didn't take a lot of shit and was always "tipsy" lol... so i had plenty of girls running in and out my room, but i have to admit that except for like one or two i never thought that they were girlfriend material... i was simply depressed and trying to keep my spirits up...

there have been other time periods when i found myself unattached and into anything that walked (well within reason) and once again during those times i was merely covering my emotional hurt, looking to belong, to connect, to simply exist...i rarely found someone to fill that gap to "complete" whatever needed to be completed... instead i found myself as a "plaything", with older chicks who seemed to be comfortable in being "serviced for their 2,000 mile checkup", with young chicks who simply wanted to "get it in" with some cat who didn't seem like he'd rob them after-wards... i always seemed to meet cool sistas but never really connected with them, it says more about where i was than who they were... "everything isn't for everyone"... i got more call backs than i knew what to do with but never felt my emotional cloud lifted so i faded...

but what really bothers me is that i can't recall how some intimate relationships started... they're like a cloud, a mist, a fog... i can make out vague shapes and shades of gray but nothing more... i was thinking about this one sista who was on my mind and i was trying to recall the first kiss, the first time we took of each other's clothes, the first time i stroked her breast... and NOTHING, i couldn't recall a position, a look, a...nothing... and that leaves me feeling even more empty...i then have to ask myself, "what was it all for?" ...i mean there is this memory of a sista who made me laugh, allowed me a tender moment to let my guard down and for the life of me i can't recall the first move, how it played out and THAT bothers me... it makes me feel cheap... funny all the ass that i've gotten and i sit here feeling like a scrub... not that "high-five" feeling that most cats seem to thrive off of, just nothing...moments filling up the space of empty moments, cheapened by lust that wasn't respected... it's been sometime since i've gotten laid and i think it's ok, i don't want another gray memory to drift back to me when i try to think, "what was it all for again?"

all the models, doctors, students, dancers, lawyers, bus drivers, teachers, counselors, around-the-way chicks, policewomen, professors, enlisted military, working and upper-class women don't add up to a pile of beans, if i can't hold on to the meaning/ feeling behind the experience...can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results... even if shit WAS just a fling, at least let it have been meaningful...fuck

ignant mofos ruin it for everyone!!!

so i like i went out to see a flick earlier and i'm realizing more and more that i don't have as much patience as i would like to have... i feel like the cranky old dude who comes to the front door and yells, "ya'll kids get the hell off of my lawn!!!" seriously, i find myself getting more and more pissed off at dumb and foolish behavior... i wanted to check out this fairly new theater but when i walked to the front door i saw a sea of "around the way folks" hanging in the lobby... i REALLY wasn't trying to have my expensive movie experience ruined by cell phone calls and ignant mofos talking back to the fucking screen... so i left and trekked cross town and ended up in a seat right NEXT to a crew of johnny-come-lately-hoodrat-chicks who did everything that i was trying to avoid hearing and being around!!! as i walked out the theater i could feel myself getting heated and my mind recalled an incident that happened a little while ago while i was taking the subway... some little punks were acting up and acting wild as i got on the train so as i walked through i softly told them that they should "do you" but "chill out a lil bit" of course these mofos had ALL THIS LIP and tried to play me like a substitute teacher, as i turned to walk away i kept hearing all this, "get the fuck outta here" type shit, finally after like the 3rd or 4th snide remark i stepped into the middle of the crew and told them that they were acting like fools and to cool out, of course one chump went into "gangsta" mode and started in on some "get the fuck outta my face b4 i fuck you up" type of shit... i pointed at him and told him to watch his mouth, he bats my arm away and balls up his fist...at that point the train pulled into the next stop and my reflexs kicked in... i gripped his ass up and lifted him clear off the train in like three long strides, i swear his feet never touched the fuckin ground... so there i am with this adolescent fucker, halfway ready to smack him to a pulp and then some women yells, "LEAVE THAT KID ALONE!!!" the same woman who was on the train with these fuckers and not saying anything to THEM, i notice that the crew is acting like they're gonna jump me but they haven't moved from off the train, instead they're standing in the doorway with "ice grills" ...i let the kid go cause i realized the absurdity of it, the kid scrambles on the train the door shuts and the kids started acting like urban primates, i hear "FUCK YOU, WE WAS GONNA FUCK YOU UP! FAGGOT ASS BITCH!!! PUNK ASS MOTHERFUCKER" and all this shit starts floating through the closed doors, as fate has it the conductor must have seen me outside the door and the "bing-bing" sound sounds and the doors open, as i step back in the train these "gangsters" scattered like roaches, so there i am watching these punks run towards the end of the train and into the next car and i'm about to give chase and start sweeping the floor with them when something caused me to simply turn around and walked towards the upper cars... as i passed the woman who yelled at me she started "you KNOW you've got no business..." type of shit... i cut her off and stared at the (strangely large number of) white passengers and told her that if "WE" didn't hold the youth accountable then "THEY" would continue to call us "niggers and build more and more prisons"...she shut the fuck up and all the other passengers who were staring at me like i had 4 fucking heads suddenly cast their eyes at the floor and avoided my eye contact... as i walked towards the sliding door some big hood cat was stretching his fucking legs across the aisle like "i aint moving"... i stopped looked at him took a deep breath and simply shook my head like "are you SERIOUS my brotha?!?!"... the mofo moved his legs... see? and we WONDER where the kids get this shit from?!?! as i walked to the next car i could hear the teens moving back to the car they were running from, i slid the door shut behind me, turned up my ipod and rode 4 more stops to my destination... above ground or below in the subway it seems that i'm learning the my tolerance for shit is decreasing ten-fold!!! SHITT!!! WTF?!! i'm serious, i couldn't even enjoy the movie because these ignorant ass chicks kept going on ALL THROUGH THE MOVIE!!! of course i wasn't gonna hit them, but i thought about going to the stand getting a cup of water and tossing it on them!!! because i know that, "could you keep it down" would have resulted in me hearing a bunch of their lip and who KNOWS what might have escalated... lord give me strength, every time i think of what the ancestors went through and how we allow ourselves to be labeled easily as fools it BOILS MY FUCKING BLOOD!!!

...

these are thoughts of my youth and i'm proof, that despair can be brewed hundred proof. potency equal to chronic trees and coca seeds. put a razor to my wrist, watch it bleed. put a gun in my mouth, release the trigger, let me die a thousand deaths than to live as and be called a ni**er. useless degenerate, addicted to street life. walkin' blind alleys, wrist shackled and feet tied. ideas of better times and bigger things are destroyed by the roles of prison kings. on a block i watch in shock as jokers plot, on three hot meals and a cot. let the madness stop. not scared at all that i won't make it. death is in the end. denial won't delay it. ever watchful of the creepin crimson tide. either die high or get swept inside. revolving doors, parole violators walk the floors. to the depth of my soul i dive seeking more. contemplate my mistakes, even up my slate. if i don't awake, don't mourn me, cause i've escaped. gone...

forever young...

walking down the street listening to jay-z's "forever young" the other day had me feeling pretty fucking emotional...some of the melody and lyrics got to me...i started to tremble, body started sweating and suddenly i found myself on a bench, holding my head in my hands, eyes starting to water, feeling the breeze blowing and cooling the sweat on my shirt, tired, exhausted and empty...not that i know what it's like to "live life like a video... as pretty girls... hop their pretty asses up on the hood of that pretty ass car..." as jay-z would say, but the sentiment behind it had me wondering what happened to me between here and there... i recall being a young cat, full of anger and frustration at not knowing what it was like to go into a store and buy whatever i wanted, but i knew how to walk the streets and have folks act like i wanted... i recall watching eric b & rakim videos, imitating big daddy kane's swagger in my boy's project hallways... i used to walk through harvard square looking at all the "smart kids" go to and fro, and while i headed back home i found myself wondering what it was like in their 2 parent house...i remember passing 40's with cats after hearing about another friend either getting shot, locked up, or ending up in the hospital after some foolishness... i recall standing in the middle of roxbury in the rain letting the drops hide the tears when i realized that making a million was never going to happen for me on these streets, that i no longer wanted to see expecting mothers smoking crack, that i didn't want to smack anyone for respect anymore, that i simply wanted to disappear into the pages of the elven novels that i used to read while in the library while i was cutting school... if only, if only... "if only" is what i would pray under my breath as i went to sleep, trying to cloud out hearing my mother whisper to me under her wine laden breath, "you're a bastard just like your father..." ...life like a video, yeah, i used to fall asleep to the fantasy that i was one of the stars in "16 candles" or "the breakfast club" or "the goonies" where all the misfits and cool kids found common ground and the musical soundtrack was always so gosh-darn-funky... then of course i woke up and found myself walking the streets watching my back and ready to do whatever to whom-ever as the dope-fiends ran to and fro and i found ways to let out my frustrations... do we want to live forever, forever young... yeah living forever, living young forever... cause no one told me what it would be like to be an adult... all i ever heard was some shit my mother used to tell me as i could smell the liquor (and i can't blame her, i woulda drank too if i had to have lived her life...) "boy you JUST WAIT!!! you JUST WAIT!!!" and all i could think was, "i aint waiting for SHIT!!" ...i wasn't going to grow up, i wasn't going to become those hollowed out shells of adults i saw, not one of them that looked like me ever seemed to amount to shit, ever seemed to be happy, ever seemed to be less than beaten... but me, me and my homies, the young cats, we were living, we drank all night, fought all evening, walked when and were we wanted, drove cars that banged soooo fast that it rattled shop windows, there were times when even the cops rode by and had a double-take with the look of "respect" in their eyes...that is, just before they circled the block and hopped out on our asses...naw not me, i wasn't waiting for shit... god never answered my prayers, never had me waking up to new clothes, to a mother that didn't blame me for my father's mistakes, to a city that didn't call the police on me or follow me around the store as i simply wanted to sniff "new clothes" (i STILL love the smell of new clothes!!!), to a life where i felt worthy and didn't always wonder, "what does it feel like to die?"...naww i wasn't waiting, i waited every morning and then i decided that i was going to live forever young... funny, life never turns out the way you plan it... fuck you jay-z

*hitting the repeat button on the ipod*

(the cats in the pic aren't any of my boston cats...but the sentiment is still the same...)

ehhh? what where...

finding myself at odds with things, looking through the looking glass at myself, wondering whose face is it that i see… not sure if i took the blue or the red pill… not even sure if i recall being offered the choice…gnarls barkley is talking to me, my fingers are trying to answer, but my brain isn’t picking up…looking at the total sum of my life i find that i’m still trying to solve for “x” and “y”…math never was my best subject, give me a book and tell me to read and i’m like freakin einstein… tell me to solve anything beyond 2+2 and i’m liable to come up with 6!!! thinking of how funny it is that other folks swear that they know who i am, that they have me all figured out and wrapped up in one of their pretty little bows, when i don’t even have a clue at times is hilarious… when i ask them to show me their work it’s usually, nope let’s make that they ALWAYS have some mumbled jumbled unintelligible dog-drooled-on-my-work explanation… some extra baggage that they carried and NOW they’re trying to load it on MY overhead rack… no thank you, that seat is taken, and so is the luggage space, please move on!!! sometimes i want to apologize, but apologize for what? for not being what they misinterpreted me to be, when i TOLD them that THAT IS NOT ME!?!?! naw, apologies aren’t warranted, too busy apologizing to myself, often forgetting the reason why…give you the shirt off of my back, the last dollar in my pocket, a bite of my only meal…but because i won’t let you know what i’m thinking that makes me shady? because it’s the only thing that i have to keep and hold to myself? because the truth of the matter is that even i don’t know what i’m thinking, or why and it’s better to keep that dirty lil secret to myself, cause the real secret is one that i don’t even know… because though i may have “walls” put up and you may think that you are a “good person” is that reason enough for me to let you have carte blanche of my emotional state to run reckless through? an emotional state that i’m not even sure of? “you know…perhaps some meds might help,” he once told me during a session, unsure of what to do i looked down, wanting to say “YES PLEASE!!!” but not feeling like giving in to the urge….it made NO SENSE…WHY i should do the things that i did/do… WHY should i feel THIS WAY?!?! WHAT did i do to deserve this? i suppose that folks go into church and ask the same question when little babies die, or ask why poor mr. g. who never did anything to anyone or ever wronged a soul in his life would have to pass so tragically, shot down like a dog on a cold dark street…and i suppose like their questions just like mine get the same personalized response…….. laughable it is, after a drink, even sadder it is after two… after five i forget what it was that i was thinking about and start to notice “hey i REALLY like this gnarls barkley tune….” WOW!!!

not sure about this...

ok... so i decided to leave myspace (i only kept at it because i liked to blog there as well as look at silly videos now and then...)... but now i find a few things that i'm not liking about this new place... i can't seem to figure out how to export my older blogs from myspace...ok, that's the biggest thing... sigh... :-( hmmm and WHERE are the cool emotions?!?! lol... grrrrrrrr