ehhh? what where...

finding myself at odds with things, looking through the looking glass at myself, wondering whose face is it that i see… not sure if i took the blue or the red pill… not even sure if i recall being offered the choice…gnarls barkley is talking to me, my fingers are trying to answer, but my brain isn’t picking up…looking at the total sum of my life i find that i’m still trying to solve for “x” and “y”…math never was my best subject, give me a book and tell me to read and i’m like freakin einstein… tell me to solve anything beyond 2+2 and i’m liable to come up with 6!!! thinking of how funny it is that other folks swear that they know who i am, that they have me all figured out and wrapped up in one of their pretty little bows, when i don’t even have a clue at times is hilarious… when i ask them to show me their work it’s usually, nope let’s make that they ALWAYS have some mumbled jumbled unintelligible dog-drooled-on-my-work explanation… some extra baggage that they carried and NOW they’re trying to load it on MY overhead rack… no thank you, that seat is taken, and so is the luggage space, please move on!!! sometimes i want to apologize, but apologize for what? for not being what they misinterpreted me to be, when i TOLD them that THAT IS NOT ME!?!?! naw, apologies aren’t warranted, too busy apologizing to myself, often forgetting the reason why…give you the shirt off of my back, the last dollar in my pocket, a bite of my only meal…but because i won’t let you know what i’m thinking that makes me shady? because it’s the only thing that i have to keep and hold to myself? because the truth of the matter is that even i don’t know what i’m thinking, or why and it’s better to keep that dirty lil secret to myself, cause the real secret is one that i don’t even know… because though i may have “walls” put up and you may think that you are a “good person” is that reason enough for me to let you have carte blanche of my emotional state to run reckless through? an emotional state that i’m not even sure of? “you know…perhaps some meds might help,” he once told me during a session, unsure of what to do i looked down, wanting to say “YES PLEASE!!!” but not feeling like giving in to the urge….it made NO SENSE…WHY i should do the things that i did/do… WHY should i feel THIS WAY?!?! WHAT did i do to deserve this? i suppose that folks go into church and ask the same question when little babies die, or ask why poor mr. g. who never did anything to anyone or ever wronged a soul in his life would have to pass so tragically, shot down like a dog on a cold dark street…and i suppose like their questions just like mine get the same personalized response…….. laughable it is, after a drink, even sadder it is after two… after five i forget what it was that i was thinking about and start to notice “hey i REALLY like this gnarls barkley tune….” WOW!!!