...

these are thoughts of my youth and i'm proof, that despair can be brewed hundred proof. potency equal to chronic trees and coca seeds. put a razor to my wrist, watch it bleed. put a gun in my mouth, release the trigger, let me die a thousand deaths than to live as and be called a ni**er. useless degenerate, addicted to street life. walkin' blind alleys, wrist shackled and feet tied. ideas of better times and bigger things are destroyed by the roles of prison kings. on a block i watch in shock as jokers plot, on three hot meals and a cot. let the madness stop. not scared at all that i won't make it. death is in the end. denial won't delay it. ever watchful of the creepin crimson tide. either die high or get swept inside. revolving doors, parole violators walk the floors. to the depth of my soul i dive seeking more. contemplate my mistakes, even up my slate. if i don't awake, don't mourn me, cause i've escaped. gone...

forever young...

walking down the street listening to jay-z's "forever young" the other day had me feeling pretty fucking emotional...some of the melody and lyrics got to me...i started to tremble, body started sweating and suddenly i found myself on a bench, holding my head in my hands, eyes starting to water, feeling the breeze blowing and cooling the sweat on my shirt, tired, exhausted and empty...not that i know what it's like to "live life like a video... as pretty girls... hop their pretty asses up on the hood of that pretty ass car..." as jay-z would say, but the sentiment behind it had me wondering what happened to me between here and there... i recall being a young cat, full of anger and frustration at not knowing what it was like to go into a store and buy whatever i wanted, but i knew how to walk the streets and have folks act like i wanted... i recall watching eric b & rakim videos, imitating big daddy kane's swagger in my boy's project hallways... i used to walk through harvard square looking at all the "smart kids" go to and fro, and while i headed back home i found myself wondering what it was like in their 2 parent house...i remember passing 40's with cats after hearing about another friend either getting shot, locked up, or ending up in the hospital after some foolishness... i recall standing in the middle of roxbury in the rain letting the drops hide the tears when i realized that making a million was never going to happen for me on these streets, that i no longer wanted to see expecting mothers smoking crack, that i didn't want to smack anyone for respect anymore, that i simply wanted to disappear into the pages of the elven novels that i used to read while in the library while i was cutting school... if only, if only... "if only" is what i would pray under my breath as i went to sleep, trying to cloud out hearing my mother whisper to me under her wine laden breath, "you're a bastard just like your father..." ...life like a video, yeah, i used to fall asleep to the fantasy that i was one of the stars in "16 candles" or "the breakfast club" or "the goonies" where all the misfits and cool kids found common ground and the musical soundtrack was always so gosh-darn-funky... then of course i woke up and found myself walking the streets watching my back and ready to do whatever to whom-ever as the dope-fiends ran to and fro and i found ways to let out my frustrations... do we want to live forever, forever young... yeah living forever, living young forever... cause no one told me what it would be like to be an adult... all i ever heard was some shit my mother used to tell me as i could smell the liquor (and i can't blame her, i woulda drank too if i had to have lived her life...) "boy you JUST WAIT!!! you JUST WAIT!!!" and all i could think was, "i aint waiting for SHIT!!" ...i wasn't going to grow up, i wasn't going to become those hollowed out shells of adults i saw, not one of them that looked like me ever seemed to amount to shit, ever seemed to be happy, ever seemed to be less than beaten... but me, me and my homies, the young cats, we were living, we drank all night, fought all evening, walked when and were we wanted, drove cars that banged soooo fast that it rattled shop windows, there were times when even the cops rode by and had a double-take with the look of "respect" in their eyes...that is, just before they circled the block and hopped out on our asses...naw not me, i wasn't waiting for shit... god never answered my prayers, never had me waking up to new clothes, to a mother that didn't blame me for my father's mistakes, to a city that didn't call the police on me or follow me around the store as i simply wanted to sniff "new clothes" (i STILL love the smell of new clothes!!!), to a life where i felt worthy and didn't always wonder, "what does it feel like to die?"...naww i wasn't waiting, i waited every morning and then i decided that i was going to live forever young... funny, life never turns out the way you plan it... fuck you jay-z

*hitting the repeat button on the ipod*

(the cats in the pic aren't any of my boston cats...but the sentiment is still the same...)

ehhh? what where...

finding myself at odds with things, looking through the looking glass at myself, wondering whose face is it that i see… not sure if i took the blue or the red pill… not even sure if i recall being offered the choice…gnarls barkley is talking to me, my fingers are trying to answer, but my brain isn’t picking up…looking at the total sum of my life i find that i’m still trying to solve for “x” and “y”…math never was my best subject, give me a book and tell me to read and i’m like freakin einstein… tell me to solve anything beyond 2+2 and i’m liable to come up with 6!!! thinking of how funny it is that other folks swear that they know who i am, that they have me all figured out and wrapped up in one of their pretty little bows, when i don’t even have a clue at times is hilarious… when i ask them to show me their work it’s usually, nope let’s make that they ALWAYS have some mumbled jumbled unintelligible dog-drooled-on-my-work explanation… some extra baggage that they carried and NOW they’re trying to load it on MY overhead rack… no thank you, that seat is taken, and so is the luggage space, please move on!!! sometimes i want to apologize, but apologize for what? for not being what they misinterpreted me to be, when i TOLD them that THAT IS NOT ME!?!?! naw, apologies aren’t warranted, too busy apologizing to myself, often forgetting the reason why…give you the shirt off of my back, the last dollar in my pocket, a bite of my only meal…but because i won’t let you know what i’m thinking that makes me shady? because it’s the only thing that i have to keep and hold to myself? because the truth of the matter is that even i don’t know what i’m thinking, or why and it’s better to keep that dirty lil secret to myself, cause the real secret is one that i don’t even know… because though i may have “walls” put up and you may think that you are a “good person” is that reason enough for me to let you have carte blanche of my emotional state to run reckless through? an emotional state that i’m not even sure of? “you know…perhaps some meds might help,” he once told me during a session, unsure of what to do i looked down, wanting to say “YES PLEASE!!!” but not feeling like giving in to the urge….it made NO SENSE…WHY i should do the things that i did/do… WHY should i feel THIS WAY?!?! WHAT did i do to deserve this? i suppose that folks go into church and ask the same question when little babies die, or ask why poor mr. g. who never did anything to anyone or ever wronged a soul in his life would have to pass so tragically, shot down like a dog on a cold dark street…and i suppose like their questions just like mine get the same personalized response…….. laughable it is, after a drink, even sadder it is after two… after five i forget what it was that i was thinking about and start to notice “hey i REALLY like this gnarls barkley tune….” WOW!!!

not sure about this...

ok... so i decided to leave myspace (i only kept at it because i liked to blog there as well as look at silly videos now and then...)... but now i find a few things that i'm not liking about this new place... i can't seem to figure out how to export my older blogs from myspace...ok, that's the biggest thing... sigh... :-( hmmm and WHERE are the cool emotions?!?! lol... grrrrrrrr