company does NOT love misery!!!

Catching up with some old buddies made me think of a few things, sadly it was along the lines of how much misery loves company… one of the guys was a cat that had moved from the area and headed back to his hometown after he finished up his schooling. while he was here, he originally struck me as a bit of an a-type personality with a penchant for being slightly masochistic… he had a darling of a girlfriend who he admittedly treated like crap, he always mulled on and on about how he wasn’t sure why she stuck around with him, blah blah blah… we all kind of let him know in our own little ways that he was being an ass and a fool and “kept it moving”…so i have to admit that i never really got to know this guy, i genuinely liked him well enough to share beer and food with him, but i suppose it was nothing more than a camaraderie of testosterone than anything… more than a few times i’ve told him that he needed to “stick his toes in some sand” (i meant it literally as well as metaphorically… like chill dude, relax). he was the kind of guy that sat in contempt of the world, a bit of an asshole, but you sort of got the impression that he “meant well” if you didn’t take it personally… he was always TIGHTLY wound, he would go on and on about work and this and that, but i always got the feeling that he really DIDN’T have to work 24-7 if he really didn’t want to, turns out it seems that i was kinda right…he’d look at me and wonder how i could be so optimistic and carry on like such (laughing inside, i just outwardly smiled… truth be told it’s a fight to always be upbeat & happy because i battle with deep-rooted “stuff” but that’s not what i opt to show the world, to the world i try to show a smile and a laugh because “woe is me” gets old REAL QUICK! LOL)…i’d always tell him it’s a choice we make and leave it at that…

fast forward to present and this guy has been gone for like a year or so, i caught up with him at a buddy’s b-day party, he looked and acted like a “weirded out” caged rat… no other way to describe it… it turns out that he had dumped his girl (this i already knew and knew that she was hurt by it) and had been carrying on with some married chick when he went back home to work! now it seemed that he was in love with her and she with him, but because she wasn’t leaving her husband he was left feeling lonely and shitty… on and on he kept going about how “right now there’s a chick who loves me and it hurts that i can’t be with her…” and on and on about, “i don’t know if you’ve ever been so lucky but i am and it’s killing me” and on and on about, “it’s a once in a lifetime feeling , but it’s a shitty feeling and i’m not happy”…dude NEVER took into consideration that there’s a REASON why she’s NOT LEAVING HER HUSBAND and running off with his ass!!! soon i stopped feeling sorry for him and just looked at him as SORRY!!! he seemed to constantly hone in on folks perceived misery and attempt to yank teeth out…like looking at the b-day boy and talk about how his first marriage was fucked up and whether or not the chick he was with would be true and good to him… like dude, SHUT THA FUCK UP!!! then he goes on and on about how he’s not happy at work and how being a doctor is boring and though he’s GOOD at being a surgeon he could give two shits about the folks he works on…then he goes on about how he’s a bit of a trust fund kid (this i didn’t know) and didn’t have to really work if he didn’t want to… so now i’m like, dude get some counseling and work it out, when you hit reality let me KNOW!!! …i really wanted to dropkick some sense into him! i still liked the guy and genuinely wanted him to be happy, but there wasn’t much i could do but bite my tongue and listen while he whined and vented about the injustice of love, life and the pursuit of happiness…of course he was staying with his ex while in town (i thought, “hmmm, moving from masochist to sadist huh?”)

so the other night he’s back in town, one of our mutual buddies calls me up for a guys night out, so i head out and see mr. masochist there, i genuinely give him a big ‘ol hug but as we sit down i notice that he kind of really LOOKS LIKE SHIT!!! and is acting even more quirky and moody, soon he sets in on asking me shit, and saying stuff like, “dude you don’t look happy” and “why don’t you think you deserve happiness?” truth be told i was feeling very happy, pleased to be out and enjoying what i thought was going to be uplifting company. i’m starting to get too pissed to confront him, because i know that it’s not going to come out right… so i just sit and play along with only answering what i have to…he knows that my relationship w/my daughter and her mother is less than desirable so he starts in on asking about that, and “how jaded i must be at the whole experience!” i’m so livid that i found myself taking DEEP BREATHS and trying to find sadly funny things about his disheveled appearance to keep me laughing. he even touched on a few racially inappropriate comments…i suddenly realized that this cat was trying to pull me own with him, push a button or two to see how far he could get, like i was socially beneath him and had no right to feel better than he. and the funny thing is that once i realized that, he became more like a sad nod of the head than a nuisance, a cautionary tale of how success doesn’t naturally equate happiness. i couldn’t believe that this rich, privileged, close minded dude could be such an ass…but perhaps it was because of all those things that he is an ass…i wanted to give him a hug, tell him that i really hoped he’d find happiness of self and quit bitching… but i realized that my words would fall on deaf ears and instead opted to tune out his whining and phrases of “dude, i can see that you’re not happy. you have to believe that you can allow it. i;m not happy but i’m doing the best i can. folks can’t really judge me.”…the next time this sadly damaged dude is in town, i think i’ll opt to stay home and sit on the toilet! LOL (less shit to deal with, even with my fiber filled diet! LOL)

I FUCKING HATE THIS TIME OF YEAR!!!

nuff said...

personal circle of me...

i recall watching shows on PBS on how to live a long and healthy life, one thing that was talked about was to be sure that one surrounded one's self with friends and family and fun activities... studies have shown that senior citizens who have active friendships live a longer life than those that don't... the other day i went to a function with a someone i have come to respect and admire and i watched her interact with her teammates, it was like watching a group of grown adult women become juvenile girls... it was amazing to watch... some of them were mothers, others execs of some sort and still others were probably just out of college, all the same they were playing, joking and joshing each other like it was some sort of pajama party... i couldn't help but to think of what that sort of camaraderie does for their health and longevity... despite the rough sport that they all play, they probably have less levels of stress on their lives simply because of the bonds that they've formed on AND OFF THE FIELD!!!

it hit me kind of hard especially because this is the holiday time of the year, the birthday of my daughter and my own birthday... sadly my nature is one of an introverted extrovert and i've grown up without having friends..sure i've had PLENTY of people i've been cool with, but no real friendships, i've gotten used to being more of a friend than folks would ever be friends to me... i ran with street scum as well as good natured folks but it all ended up like a shirt that had been washed one too many times...faded... it never really bothered me at first because i was probably used to my mother keeping me at an emotional distance on a see-saw relationship in which i was never quite sure what to expect, warmth or a "guilt-trip"... i learned to hold my feelings in, she never seemed to believe my words and i learned not to give them... my own brother became a legend in my mind only for me to realize that he was/is simply who he is... and that's someone that i don't know... my relationship with my daughter has been hindered by her mother's disdain for me... i've NEVER had my daughter come up and tell me that "she loves me" unprovoked, i've been reduced to second, no make that third fiddle to her step-dad and god knows who else, but i'll NEVER down talk her mother to her despite what happens on the other end in regards to what she's told about me... i'll never let her know how much i've set aside for her and the illusion that we would have some sort of sit-com loving father/daughter relationship... as an adult i've formed some close bonds with folks but never quite made it past... well made it past whatever... one cat that i know is a decent dude, but he always seems to be looking for an angle on what i tell him, projecting some values that aren't mine onto me... another cat i know seems to be more interested at times in what pretty chick i happen to hanging out and pressing me to "fess up about sexing them all" with instead of being my friend and allowing me the space to be nothing more than who i am... another cat seems to be a one way street, there at your back having your back, but try to pry the door the other way and it's a no-go... family is a joke, the little bit that i've known of them has left me feeling bland... my one sister that i met as a juvenile just isn't a connection, there seems to be a bridge or gap that i can't cross... my other sister fucked me over for my monetary savings never saying, "sorry"... cousins seemed to be full of that "kiss-kiss" air shit... never knew them coming up and now that i'm an adult they've given me promises of making up for lost time and then never call... my father, well he's the ass that he is and was and will be... i look back and realize that i've never learned to form true bonds and now here i am, i can walk the city and shake a dozen hands on any given day but i always come home and sit alone... funny to the outside looking in most folks think that i've got shit going on but the reality is that i'm always lonely and empty... i can't seem to form meaningful bonds with girlfriends, though i'll go all out for them i always seem to either run them off or shut down, making me even more "down"...fuck... though i always seem to be a fun "plaything" and chase after those who have no intention of anything... self destructing? sabotage?

i used to be a person who struggled with rage and depression, i was always self destructive and it was easy because i felt that i had NOTHING to lose, ignorance was bliss and i embraced it...i enjoyed calling my own shots and shooting at those that called shots...then one day i looked up and realized that life won't end at 17-18 yrs old... now what? nothing but emotional rejection hit a soft spot in the wall that i built, it crumbled ever so slightly over the years and the humanity shone through leaving me exposed and vulnerable... but nurture had affected my nature and it seems that i still self destruct... constantly going from 0-60 without learning cruise control jams you... i look and long for meaning...

thinking about the studies of seniors that live longer, i think i may have a shorter life than anyone may have expected...

sex makes me sad...

i was in the shower and i had a really disturbing thought, well actually it's been a recurring thought as of late... i've slept with a LOT of females in my life... too many for me to count, some i can't even remember when i sit with pen and pad and try to figure out the number, but that's NOT what really bothers me... what bothers me is that the ones that i have slept with i can't recall too much about them... and that's sad... i'm ok these days with being a sympathetic fool, or prone to emotion and sentiment... most of these females came at times when i was going through a phase, and sadly they served as a distraction to whatever it was that i was going through...but there was a genuine connection on some level other than sexual and i can't recall the intimate moments that it led to...

given the moments in my life i realize that i was a WHORE was a relatively short period of time! like during my undergrad experience i had a girlfriend who went to college a few states away and i didn't fuck around on her... but when we broke up i ran through chicks like a hot knife through butter :-( for me it was easy, i didn't go LOOKING for ass or sex it just kind of landed in my lap (no pun intended)... i would sometimes sleep with two-three different random females a night, i think it had to do with my attitude... i was never always in the "in" crowd but i was never in the "out" crowd either, i was just me...i'd walk into the lunch room and high five everyone from the white kids i had class with, to the football jocks, to the b-ball team (those cats i hung with a good bit, everyone just KNEW i was on the hoop squad until b-ball season and they saw me sitting in the bleachers cheering!!! HAHAHAHA), to the fellow philly cats, to the guys from the "sticks"... i didn't run around running my mouth, dressing fly, or acting like i was "too cool for school"... i was just a nice genuine guy who didn't take a lot of shit and was always "tipsy" lol... so i had plenty of girls running in and out my room, but i have to admit that except for like one or two i never thought that they were girlfriend material... i was simply depressed and trying to keep my spirits up...

there have been other time periods when i found myself unattached and into anything that walked (well within reason) and once again during those times i was merely covering my emotional hurt, looking to belong, to connect, to simply exist...i rarely found someone to fill that gap to "complete" whatever needed to be completed... instead i found myself as a "plaything", with older chicks who seemed to be comfortable in being "serviced for their 2,000 mile checkup", with young chicks who simply wanted to "get it in" with some cat who didn't seem like he'd rob them after-wards... i always seemed to meet cool sistas but never really connected with them, it says more about where i was than who they were... "everything isn't for everyone"... i got more call backs than i knew what to do with but never felt my emotional cloud lifted so i faded...

but what really bothers me is that i can't recall how some intimate relationships started... they're like a cloud, a mist, a fog... i can make out vague shapes and shades of gray but nothing more... i was thinking about this one sista who was on my mind and i was trying to recall the first kiss, the first time we took of each other's clothes, the first time i stroked her breast... and NOTHING, i couldn't recall a position, a look, a...nothing... and that leaves me feeling even more empty...i then have to ask myself, "what was it all for?" ...i mean there is this memory of a sista who made me laugh, allowed me a tender moment to let my guard down and for the life of me i can't recall the first move, how it played out and THAT bothers me... it makes me feel cheap... funny all the ass that i've gotten and i sit here feeling like a scrub... not that "high-five" feeling that most cats seem to thrive off of, just nothing...moments filling up the space of empty moments, cheapened by lust that wasn't respected... it's been sometime since i've gotten laid and i think it's ok, i don't want another gray memory to drift back to me when i try to think, "what was it all for again?"

all the models, doctors, students, dancers, lawyers, bus drivers, teachers, counselors, around-the-way chicks, policewomen, professors, enlisted military, working and upper-class women don't add up to a pile of beans, if i can't hold on to the meaning/ feeling behind the experience...can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results... even if shit WAS just a fling, at least let it have been meaningful...fuck

ignant mofos ruin it for everyone!!!

so i like i went out to see a flick earlier and i'm realizing more and more that i don't have as much patience as i would like to have... i feel like the cranky old dude who comes to the front door and yells, "ya'll kids get the hell off of my lawn!!!" seriously, i find myself getting more and more pissed off at dumb and foolish behavior... i wanted to check out this fairly new theater but when i walked to the front door i saw a sea of "around the way folks" hanging in the lobby... i REALLY wasn't trying to have my expensive movie experience ruined by cell phone calls and ignant mofos talking back to the fucking screen... so i left and trekked cross town and ended up in a seat right NEXT to a crew of johnny-come-lately-hoodrat-chicks who did everything that i was trying to avoid hearing and being around!!! as i walked out the theater i could feel myself getting heated and my mind recalled an incident that happened a little while ago while i was taking the subway... some little punks were acting up and acting wild as i got on the train so as i walked through i softly told them that they should "do you" but "chill out a lil bit" of course these mofos had ALL THIS LIP and tried to play me like a substitute teacher, as i turned to walk away i kept hearing all this, "get the fuck outta here" type shit, finally after like the 3rd or 4th snide remark i stepped into the middle of the crew and told them that they were acting like fools and to cool out, of course one chump went into "gangsta" mode and started in on some "get the fuck outta my face b4 i fuck you up" type of shit... i pointed at him and told him to watch his mouth, he bats my arm away and balls up his fist...at that point the train pulled into the next stop and my reflexs kicked in... i gripped his ass up and lifted him clear off the train in like three long strides, i swear his feet never touched the fuckin ground... so there i am with this adolescent fucker, halfway ready to smack him to a pulp and then some women yells, "LEAVE THAT KID ALONE!!!" the same woman who was on the train with these fuckers and not saying anything to THEM, i notice that the crew is acting like they're gonna jump me but they haven't moved from off the train, instead they're standing in the doorway with "ice grills" ...i let the kid go cause i realized the absurdity of it, the kid scrambles on the train the door shuts and the kids started acting like urban primates, i hear "FUCK YOU, WE WAS GONNA FUCK YOU UP! FAGGOT ASS BITCH!!! PUNK ASS MOTHERFUCKER" and all this shit starts floating through the closed doors, as fate has it the conductor must have seen me outside the door and the "bing-bing" sound sounds and the doors open, as i step back in the train these "gangsters" scattered like roaches, so there i am watching these punks run towards the end of the train and into the next car and i'm about to give chase and start sweeping the floor with them when something caused me to simply turn around and walked towards the upper cars... as i passed the woman who yelled at me she started "you KNOW you've got no business..." type of shit... i cut her off and stared at the (strangely large number of) white passengers and told her that if "WE" didn't hold the youth accountable then "THEY" would continue to call us "niggers and build more and more prisons"...she shut the fuck up and all the other passengers who were staring at me like i had 4 fucking heads suddenly cast their eyes at the floor and avoided my eye contact... as i walked towards the sliding door some big hood cat was stretching his fucking legs across the aisle like "i aint moving"... i stopped looked at him took a deep breath and simply shook my head like "are you SERIOUS my brotha?!?!"... the mofo moved his legs... see? and we WONDER where the kids get this shit from?!?! as i walked to the next car i could hear the teens moving back to the car they were running from, i slid the door shut behind me, turned up my ipod and rode 4 more stops to my destination... above ground or below in the subway it seems that i'm learning the my tolerance for shit is decreasing ten-fold!!! SHITT!!! WTF?!! i'm serious, i couldn't even enjoy the movie because these ignorant ass chicks kept going on ALL THROUGH THE MOVIE!!! of course i wasn't gonna hit them, but i thought about going to the stand getting a cup of water and tossing it on them!!! because i know that, "could you keep it down" would have resulted in me hearing a bunch of their lip and who KNOWS what might have escalated... lord give me strength, every time i think of what the ancestors went through and how we allow ourselves to be labeled easily as fools it BOILS MY FUCKING BLOOD!!!

...

these are thoughts of my youth and i'm proof, that despair can be brewed hundred proof. potency equal to chronic trees and coca seeds. put a razor to my wrist, watch it bleed. put a gun in my mouth, release the trigger, let me die a thousand deaths than to live as and be called a ni**er. useless degenerate, addicted to street life. walkin' blind alleys, wrist shackled and feet tied. ideas of better times and bigger things are destroyed by the roles of prison kings. on a block i watch in shock as jokers plot, on three hot meals and a cot. let the madness stop. not scared at all that i won't make it. death is in the end. denial won't delay it. ever watchful of the creepin crimson tide. either die high or get swept inside. revolving doors, parole violators walk the floors. to the depth of my soul i dive seeking more. contemplate my mistakes, even up my slate. if i don't awake, don't mourn me, cause i've escaped. gone...

forever young...

walking down the street listening to jay-z's "forever young" the other day had me feeling pretty fucking emotional...some of the melody and lyrics got to me...i started to tremble, body started sweating and suddenly i found myself on a bench, holding my head in my hands, eyes starting to water, feeling the breeze blowing and cooling the sweat on my shirt, tired, exhausted and empty...not that i know what it's like to "live life like a video... as pretty girls... hop their pretty asses up on the hood of that pretty ass car..." as jay-z would say, but the sentiment behind it had me wondering what happened to me between here and there... i recall being a young cat, full of anger and frustration at not knowing what it was like to go into a store and buy whatever i wanted, but i knew how to walk the streets and have folks act like i wanted... i recall watching eric b & rakim videos, imitating big daddy kane's swagger in my boy's project hallways... i used to walk through harvard square looking at all the "smart kids" go to and fro, and while i headed back home i found myself wondering what it was like in their 2 parent house...i remember passing 40's with cats after hearing about another friend either getting shot, locked up, or ending up in the hospital after some foolishness... i recall standing in the middle of roxbury in the rain letting the drops hide the tears when i realized that making a million was never going to happen for me on these streets, that i no longer wanted to see expecting mothers smoking crack, that i didn't want to smack anyone for respect anymore, that i simply wanted to disappear into the pages of the elven novels that i used to read while in the library while i was cutting school... if only, if only... "if only" is what i would pray under my breath as i went to sleep, trying to cloud out hearing my mother whisper to me under her wine laden breath, "you're a bastard just like your father..." ...life like a video, yeah, i used to fall asleep to the fantasy that i was one of the stars in "16 candles" or "the breakfast club" or "the goonies" where all the misfits and cool kids found common ground and the musical soundtrack was always so gosh-darn-funky... then of course i woke up and found myself walking the streets watching my back and ready to do whatever to whom-ever as the dope-fiends ran to and fro and i found ways to let out my frustrations... do we want to live forever, forever young... yeah living forever, living young forever... cause no one told me what it would be like to be an adult... all i ever heard was some shit my mother used to tell me as i could smell the liquor (and i can't blame her, i woulda drank too if i had to have lived her life...) "boy you JUST WAIT!!! you JUST WAIT!!!" and all i could think was, "i aint waiting for SHIT!!" ...i wasn't going to grow up, i wasn't going to become those hollowed out shells of adults i saw, not one of them that looked like me ever seemed to amount to shit, ever seemed to be happy, ever seemed to be less than beaten... but me, me and my homies, the young cats, we were living, we drank all night, fought all evening, walked when and were we wanted, drove cars that banged soooo fast that it rattled shop windows, there were times when even the cops rode by and had a double-take with the look of "respect" in their eyes...that is, just before they circled the block and hopped out on our asses...naw not me, i wasn't waiting for shit... god never answered my prayers, never had me waking up to new clothes, to a mother that didn't blame me for my father's mistakes, to a city that didn't call the police on me or follow me around the store as i simply wanted to sniff "new clothes" (i STILL love the smell of new clothes!!!), to a life where i felt worthy and didn't always wonder, "what does it feel like to die?"...naww i wasn't waiting, i waited every morning and then i decided that i was going to live forever young... funny, life never turns out the way you plan it... fuck you jay-z

*hitting the repeat button on the ipod*

(the cats in the pic aren't any of my boston cats...but the sentiment is still the same...)