personal circle of me...

i recall watching shows on PBS on how to live a long and healthy life, one thing that was talked about was to be sure that one surrounded one's self with friends and family and fun activities... studies have shown that senior citizens who have active friendships live a longer life than those that don't... the other day i went to a function with a someone i have come to respect and admire and i watched her interact with her teammates, it was like watching a group of grown adult women become juvenile girls... it was amazing to watch... some of them were mothers, others execs of some sort and still others were probably just out of college, all the same they were playing, joking and joshing each other like it was some sort of pajama party... i couldn't help but to think of what that sort of camaraderie does for their health and longevity... despite the rough sport that they all play, they probably have less levels of stress on their lives simply because of the bonds that they've formed on AND OFF THE FIELD!!!

it hit me kind of hard especially because this is the holiday time of the year, the birthday of my daughter and my own birthday... sadly my nature is one of an introverted extrovert and i've grown up without having friends..sure i've had PLENTY of people i've been cool with, but no real friendships, i've gotten used to being more of a friend than folks would ever be friends to me... i ran with street scum as well as good natured folks but it all ended up like a shirt that had been washed one too many times...faded... it never really bothered me at first because i was probably used to my mother keeping me at an emotional distance on a see-saw relationship in which i was never quite sure what to expect, warmth or a "guilt-trip"... i learned to hold my feelings in, she never seemed to believe my words and i learned not to give them... my own brother became a legend in my mind only for me to realize that he was/is simply who he is... and that's someone that i don't know... my relationship with my daughter has been hindered by her mother's disdain for me... i've NEVER had my daughter come up and tell me that "she loves me" unprovoked, i've been reduced to second, no make that third fiddle to her step-dad and god knows who else, but i'll NEVER down talk her mother to her despite what happens on the other end in regards to what she's told about me... i'll never let her know how much i've set aside for her and the illusion that we would have some sort of sit-com loving father/daughter relationship... as an adult i've formed some close bonds with folks but never quite made it past... well made it past whatever... one cat that i know is a decent dude, but he always seems to be looking for an angle on what i tell him, projecting some values that aren't mine onto me... another cat i know seems to be more interested at times in what pretty chick i happen to hanging out and pressing me to "fess up about sexing them all" with instead of being my friend and allowing me the space to be nothing more than who i am... another cat seems to be a one way street, there at your back having your back, but try to pry the door the other way and it's a no-go... family is a joke, the little bit that i've known of them has left me feeling bland... my one sister that i met as a juvenile just isn't a connection, there seems to be a bridge or gap that i can't cross... my other sister fucked me over for my monetary savings never saying, "sorry"... cousins seemed to be full of that "kiss-kiss" air shit... never knew them coming up and now that i'm an adult they've given me promises of making up for lost time and then never call... my father, well he's the ass that he is and was and will be... i look back and realize that i've never learned to form true bonds and now here i am, i can walk the city and shake a dozen hands on any given day but i always come home and sit alone... funny to the outside looking in most folks think that i've got shit going on but the reality is that i'm always lonely and empty... i can't seem to form meaningful bonds with girlfriends, though i'll go all out for them i always seem to either run them off or shut down, making me even more "down"...fuck... though i always seem to be a fun "plaything" and chase after those who have no intention of anything... self destructing? sabotage?

i used to be a person who struggled with rage and depression, i was always self destructive and it was easy because i felt that i had NOTHING to lose, ignorance was bliss and i embraced it...i enjoyed calling my own shots and shooting at those that called shots...then one day i looked up and realized that life won't end at 17-18 yrs old... now what? nothing but emotional rejection hit a soft spot in the wall that i built, it crumbled ever so slightly over the years and the humanity shone through leaving me exposed and vulnerable... but nurture had affected my nature and it seems that i still self destruct... constantly going from 0-60 without learning cruise control jams you... i look and long for meaning...

thinking about the studies of seniors that live longer, i think i may have a shorter life than anyone may have expected...