sex makes me sad...

i was in the shower and i had a really disturbing thought, well actually it's been a recurring thought as of late... i've slept with a LOT of females in my life... too many for me to count, some i can't even remember when i sit with pen and pad and try to figure out the number, but that's NOT what really bothers me... what bothers me is that the ones that i have slept with i can't recall too much about them... and that's sad... i'm ok these days with being a sympathetic fool, or prone to emotion and sentiment... most of these females came at times when i was going through a phase, and sadly they served as a distraction to whatever it was that i was going through...but there was a genuine connection on some level other than sexual and i can't recall the intimate moments that it led to...

given the moments in my life i realize that i was a WHORE was a relatively short period of time! like during my undergrad experience i had a girlfriend who went to college a few states away and i didn't fuck around on her... but when we broke up i ran through chicks like a hot knife through butter :-( for me it was easy, i didn't go LOOKING for ass or sex it just kind of landed in my lap (no pun intended)... i would sometimes sleep with two-three different random females a night, i think it had to do with my attitude... i was never always in the "in" crowd but i was never in the "out" crowd either, i was just me...i'd walk into the lunch room and high five everyone from the white kids i had class with, to the football jocks, to the b-ball team (those cats i hung with a good bit, everyone just KNEW i was on the hoop squad until b-ball season and they saw me sitting in the bleachers cheering!!! HAHAHAHA), to the fellow philly cats, to the guys from the "sticks"... i didn't run around running my mouth, dressing fly, or acting like i was "too cool for school"... i was just a nice genuine guy who didn't take a lot of shit and was always "tipsy" lol... so i had plenty of girls running in and out my room, but i have to admit that except for like one or two i never thought that they were girlfriend material... i was simply depressed and trying to keep my spirits up...

there have been other time periods when i found myself unattached and into anything that walked (well within reason) and once again during those times i was merely covering my emotional hurt, looking to belong, to connect, to simply exist...i rarely found someone to fill that gap to "complete" whatever needed to be completed... instead i found myself as a "plaything", with older chicks who seemed to be comfortable in being "serviced for their 2,000 mile checkup", with young chicks who simply wanted to "get it in" with some cat who didn't seem like he'd rob them after-wards... i always seemed to meet cool sistas but never really connected with them, it says more about where i was than who they were... "everything isn't for everyone"... i got more call backs than i knew what to do with but never felt my emotional cloud lifted so i faded...

but what really bothers me is that i can't recall how some intimate relationships started... they're like a cloud, a mist, a fog... i can make out vague shapes and shades of gray but nothing more... i was thinking about this one sista who was on my mind and i was trying to recall the first kiss, the first time we took of each other's clothes, the first time i stroked her breast... and NOTHING, i couldn't recall a position, a look, a...nothing... and that leaves me feeling even more empty...i then have to ask myself, "what was it all for?" ...i mean there is this memory of a sista who made me laugh, allowed me a tender moment to let my guard down and for the life of me i can't recall the first move, how it played out and THAT bothers me... it makes me feel cheap... funny all the ass that i've gotten and i sit here feeling like a scrub... not that "high-five" feeling that most cats seem to thrive off of, just nothing...moments filling up the space of empty moments, cheapened by lust that wasn't respected... it's been sometime since i've gotten laid and i think it's ok, i don't want another gray memory to drift back to me when i try to think, "what was it all for again?"

all the models, doctors, students, dancers, lawyers, bus drivers, teachers, counselors, around-the-way chicks, policewomen, professors, enlisted military, working and upper-class women don't add up to a pile of beans, if i can't hold on to the meaning/ feeling behind the experience...can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results... even if shit WAS just a fling, at least let it have been meaningful...fuck